Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Something Wicked

Today we have another of my fictitious newspaper columns.

In The Knew
Observations for the young and the young at heart
by S.T. Peterson

"Something Wicked"

Summer surrenders from our scenic Christian hemisphere like so many mourning goddesses. Grills gasp their final hot-dog-scented breath, pools change their sparkling surfaces to placid plastic and our thoughts turn to the year's most momentous occasion. That annual apex of cultural import. That holiest of holidays. The one, the only, the impending: Halloween!

Soon, October's numinous mystique will gather like dead leaves to an artificially sweetened climax of libidinous masque. Costume, confection, and living flesh will sate our midnight appetite as apples bob around in vodka and doormats cackle. Of course, Mr. Kristol, there are no benefits without costs. Sacrifices must be made to Goth Dionysus; virgins, brain cells, that formerly charming Ikea rug. And in return, for one night only, we are pardoned from the terminal sentence everyone serves: identity.

Which brings us to a subject most dire. Two mere months to go and where is your costume?! Time quietly conspires to make you his fool, hastily clad in rental shop dregs or recycled regalia or T-shirt irony. The party pariah. The puke-doused hobo prone on five subway seats. An embarrassment! With dignity on the line you must be original. Creative. A Da Vinci of hairspray and fake blood. Failures of imagination or craft bespeak either an antisocial apathy or meaningfully inferior genes. The sort none want in their pool. Lucky for you, old S.T. is here with this newspaper column!

Good Costume Ideas:
  • Ghost
  • Michael Jackson
  • An evil version of yourself (w/ goatee)
  • Healthcare reform (don't show up to the party)
  • The crazy puke-doused hobo
  • The sexy Garrison Keillor
Remember, the goal of Halloween is simple: get dressed up, get fucked up, and get fucked. It is never too early to plan ahead. In fact, take a moment right now and think about what you'd like to be. Please share your ideas with I will plagiarize the best submissions for various of my social appearances all October long.

When the phantoms are mortal once more, counting their hickeys in the November dawn, and the alter egos have changed back into absurd clothing, reflect a spell on the meaning of your existence. I believe you will find it in your camera, patiently awaiting upload to Facebook.