Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Latest Thing

Is your toddler doing more coke than a Viennese call girl? Not yet anyway. Hedge your bets: Prehab.

Today's rough and tumble world is a lot for a young one to handle. In our society of excess, temptation lurks around every corner. You owe it to them - you owe it to yourself - to intervene while there's still time: Prehab.

All the biggest celebrity tots, like Apple and the Bradjelina baby, are getting the help they're sure to need in Prehab.

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A New Beginning, Right From the Start

Monday, May 28, 2007

Das Uber Goobers

To be a "geek" (as we use the term today) requires a sufficient exposure to science and technology. One cannot be a fully-realized geek on the indentured farm of one's vassal lord during the Middle Ages, or in pre-Mycenaean Greece. The collection of personality traits that define "geekiness" is not new, but the more perfect avenues of expression for those traits (science, technology, chess, and Cheetos) are. I wonder then what as-yet undiscovered invention or development will unlock a more perfect form of expression for what other personality trait or traits common to Humanity. Perhaps autism is merely a trait in need of some future science; some future technology. Telepathy, perhaps.

I had a dream that I went to New Zealand to get my hair cut, but I was on the phone with some technical support woman who just couldn't fix my problem. I don't know what the problem was.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


I'm writing material for this class-sponsored stand up gig. I've already created a whole act, trashed it, and made a whole new one, and the show is still four weeks away. One place I've looked for inspiration is my blog. I've posted countless stupid little remarks: one of them is bound to be comic gold. Looking over some of my old posts, I realized that I recycle a lot of material in my life. When I talk to new people or comment in class, I often bring up ideas I've had before and, increasingly, ideas that I have blogged. I imagine my future friends are in for a letdown when they finally read my blog and see that all of my spiels they thought were clever extemp are in fact the same rehearsed wit I give everybody.

Monday, May 21, 2007


One week into the summer semester and all is well. Classes are going swimmingly, I'm having fun and getting stuff done, and I just had a whole box of cereal. It was good. I'm still hungry.

If Ron Paul is nominated as the Republican candidate, I will vote for him.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Later that day...

Had first "What's so funny about New York" class. I must do 3-5 minutes of stand-up at a comedy club. I don't like writing stand-up; I'm no good at it. When I have more material I may post it for critiques.

Went to the gym for the first time in about three weeks. I'm weak.

If I were lactose intolerant, I'd kill myself with a garden hoe.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Fucking Sweet

NYU has the second highest suicide rate of any university in this country. We are famous for the "Bobst Diving Team" (Bobst is our 12-story library). As a consequence, every window in every NYU building only opens three inches. I just moved into a new room in my dorm and was excited and disappointed to see an unfinished room/balcony/medium-sized nook directly outside my window. Excited because it would be a bitchin' grill patio and exterior lounge, disappointed because it is completely inaccessible. Worse still, I've got a door leading directly to this drywall wonderland. Needless to say, the door is locked, bolted, and jammed.

Imagine my delight when I learned that the room next to mine has unfettered access to this cozy construction zone: their window opens all the way! I would have to pass through their room whenever I wanted access, but the possibilities for late-night cookouts are still delightful.

Well then we decided, myself and my neighbor, that a door is much bitchin'er than a window, so we got out my toolkit and dismantled the lock, the bolt, and the doorknob on my mystery door. We gutted the latch and replaced everything else: it appears unmolested, but it opens! This was quite the job and made for a great little distraction last night but the good part only just happened.

My last room was never locked (primarily because Ross and I lost our keys) so I'm not used to taking keys with me. Coming back from class today I realized that I had neglected to bring along my key: I was locked out. But ah ha! I gave a rat-a-tat-tat on the next door, popped through the window and sprung in the door. Fucking sweet!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Gettin' Pruney

"First they start smooth and when they are going to die... they get pruney. They are old." - Preschoolers' thoughts on age

Sunday, May 13, 2007


I've had two wet dreams in the last two nights. That's very odd. Around December the same thing happened: two nights of nocturnal emission. Prior to that, I hadn't had a wet dream since I was like, 13 or something. Back then (in December, I mean, not 1998) it was suggested by some that I hadn't masturbated frequently enough, but I had. In fact, I believe I jacked it on both the nights in question. Now, however, is a different story. I haven't wanked recently at all, but with good cause. I have a bit of a scrape - a flesh wound, really - on my penis. I don't want to talk about how it got there. Actually, I really don't want to talk about it at all. OK, maybe I shouldn't have brought this up. Listen, the point is, I've got a boo-boo on my pee-pee so I haven't yanked the lizard and now I'm spewing spooge in my sleep.

Speaking of sleep and sex, I had an unrelated but very bizarre sex dream the other night. I dreamed that Baily and I were fornicating and I looked over to a mirror at my side. Visible in the mirror were three figures: Baily on bottom, a man on top of her with his head turned the other way, and another man on top of him. The man on the very top was facing the mirror and had a very familiar face: mine. My first thought was that I must clearly be the man on top since A) he has my face, and B) he is facing the mirror, which is where I must logically be looking in order to be seeing him. My second thought however was that I must actually be the man in the middle, since I am very obviously fornicating with Baily. I then remembered something James Tripp recently told me: that everyone in our dream is actually ourself. It therefor made sense that the man on top had my face since I am everyone in my dream, and I therefor concluded that I must be the man in the middle. I turned from the mirror and remarked to Baily, "I think someone else is here." We stopped copulating and I slowly turned around to see a large and completely strange man standing over us. I immediately woke up, an instant before screaming.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Coincidence Strikes Again!

Lock up your women and hide the fried chicken: Old Man Coincidence is on the prowl! Yesterday I made mention of the MPAA's new policy regarding smoking (a policy, I'm told, born from a male cow's anus). Immediately after posting that, Ross invited me to watch a documentary on the MPAA rating system (called This Film is Not Yet Rated). We got some cheap wine and pizza and settled in for a lovely night of alarming social commentary.

The movie over and the bottles empty, I suggested we go to Limerick's and say hi to FUCKING EVERYONE. So we did. I did say hi to most FUCKING EVERYONE and then Ross and I went with Baily and Baily's friend back to their hotel room. Borat was on but I wasn't really watching the TV. Woke up and Sleeper was on. Went home and then to lunch with Lex, James and folk. Lex says Florence is a dead city. Had a hamburger sandwich. It was just a hamburger in a pita. Kinda stupid if you ask me. It was suppose to thunderstorm today but it didn't. It was just rainy.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The Latest (and soforth)

I've spent most of my time post-school on leisure programming. It's been great fun, though I haven't taken full advantage of the weather. Ross and I are supposed to have a quasi-party tonight. Ought be fun.

The MPAA will take smoking into consideration when rating movies. This is unequivocal bullshit! Total bullshit. Absolute BOOLSHEET!

Monday, May 07, 2007

A Minor Correction

The show was absolute shit. I've just come from my panel evaluation. Yes, R&J was famously horrific, I realize that now and with that realization comes salvation. I feel more alive than I have in a long time. That's all I'm willing to commit to the eternity of the Internet for now.


Warm and Newly Dead

Romeo and Juliet is over. We went out with a bang: by far our best performance. This production has been quite unique. The comradeship among the cast and my confidence in the show surpassed all experience and expectation. I will forever tender this production, this cast, and this show most dearly in my heart.

Lemurs never say die!

Friday, May 04, 2007


My iPod made a frowny face the other day so I took it to the Apple store.

Genius: What's wrong?
Me: Well, it's like this... (touch iPod)
iPod: What up!
Me: Uh...
I guess the high concentration of Appleness brought it back to life. That, or I've got a ZombiPod on my hands. Who knew the machine uprising and the zombie apocalypse would happen at the same time! Holy Double-Feature Armageddon, Batman!

News From the Front:
Tribeca Cinema exists beyond time and space!

I'm no Einstein but I can tell the time. A movie in the Tribeca Film Festival caught my eye so I decided to attend the showing which was scheduled, according to their website, for "Fri, May 4, Midnight." "Midnight," as you may know, is shorthand for 12 o'clock AM. 12am, as you further may be aware, is the first hour of the day: it immediately follows 24 hours of the previous day and begins the 24 hours of the new one. I arrived at Tribeca around 11:45pm on Thursday, May the 3rd. If you're keeping track, that's 15 minutes shy of "Fri, May 4, Midnight." Well, upon inquiry, and after some deliberation betwixt the Tribeca staff, I was told to come back in 24 hours and 15 minutes. My date said that I "always do things the opposite of everyone else." Excuse me, but time is time, midnight is midnight, and Tribeca is fuck!

I'm Scott Peterson for News From the Front

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Opening night of Romeo & Juliet. It went well. A few slip-ups, but nothing major. It's a sad show. Mom and Dad took me to dinner afterward.


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Hard Numbers

May 1st, 2007

For the past year (since May 2nd, 2006), I have made a record of each time I have masturbated, noting location, stimulation, and description. Today, for the first time, I did a statistical analysis on the data. Here are my findings:


  • I have masturbated 131 times in 365 days. That is an average of once every 2.786 days.
  • The longest period I went without masturbating was the 221.5 hours (9.2 days) from 6pm on June 3rd to 11:30pm on June 12th.
  • The shortest interval between masturbations was the 3.5 hours from 11pm on May 22nd to 2:30am on May 23rd.
  • The most I have masturbated in a 24-hour period is thrice on Friday, October 13th.
Masturbation by Day of the Week

Masturbation by Month

Masturbation by Hour

  • I thought about heterosexual intercourse 65 times. That's 49.6% of the time.
  • I thought about homosexual intercourse 60 times. That's 45.8% of the time.
  • That leaves 6 occasions (4.58%) on which I didn't think about a specific kind of intercourse.
Other Stats:
  • I utilized porn 73 times. That is 55.7% of the time.
  • I utilized lubricant 55 times. That is 41.98% of the time.
    • I noted using lotion 21 times (38% of lubricated incidents).
    • I noted using soap 16 times (29% of lubricated incidents).
    • That leaves 18 lubricated occasions on which I did not note the kind of lubricant. I was not strict about recording lubrication data - most of the undocumented incidents are probably soap.
  • I employed anal stimulation 19 times. That's 14.5% of the time.
  • On 6 occasions I fantasized about people I know personally.
  1. Shower (47 times)
  2. Toilet (43 times)
  3. Computer (30 times)
  4. Bed (3 times)
  5. Bathroom (twice)
  6. Chair (twice)
  7. My dreams (twice)
  8. Porch (once)
  9. Public bathroom (once)
  1. Good (14 times)
  2. Fine (11 times)
  3. Terse (8 times)
  4. Alright (7 times)
  5. Ordinary (6 times)
  6. Meh (5 times)
  7. Usual (3 times)
Each of the following descriptions occurred twice
  • Awesome
  • Fast
  • Forgetable
  • Goood
  • Gooood
  • Great
  • Intense
  • Quick
  • Underwhelming
Each of the following descriptions occurred once
  • Almost non-existant
  • Anal extravaganza!
  • Analstravaganza
  • As expected
  • As to be expected
  • Athletic
  • Awful
  • Belabored and underwhelming
  • Better
  • Bland
  • Calming
  • Chair
  • Creative
  • Devoid of satisfaction
  • Disappointing
  • Dreadfully ordinary
  • Drooling
  • Elaborate
  • Elongated
  • Excellent
  • Extremely short
  • Fdskfdssdf
  • Goooood
  • Laborious
  • Lackluster
  • Long
  • Meaningless
  • Meaningless cum
  • Minimalistic
  • Minor
  • Minor in the extreme
  • My right arm went numb
  • Nice
  • Norm
  • Not as complete a void as I had feared
  • Not that great
  • Not what the poets promised
  • Nothing special
  • Numbing
  • Overrated
  • Pretty good
  • Prolonged
  • Quick and dirty
  • Really good
  • Ritualistic
  • Short-ish
  • Special
  • Strenuous
  • Surprisingly satisfying
  • Titillating
  • Typical
  • Unsensational
  • Very unsatisfying
  • Well
  • You know
Results were added as events to a Google calendar. Each entry formally recorded the orientation, location and a brief summary. Further information was provided in an optional verbose description. Analysis was performed with a C# program utilizing Google's .NET GData API client library [1]. Formal data (orientation, location and summary) was parsed directly and calculated. Informal data (porn usage et al) was parsed in situ from the verbose description. Graphs were created with OpenOffice.

As with quantum theory, observation has surely influenced the outcome. It is possible that I did not masturbate when I otherwise would have because of an inability to record the results. It is also very likely that I - consciously or otherwise - attempted to balance the frequency of hetero and homosexual incidents. While the knowledge of the test may have had some small effect upon the results, I feel the data accurately reflects my natural masturbation habits. While I obviously don't have data prior to the 2nd of May, 2006, the results keep with my sense of pre-test behavior.

I do not intend to continue recording my masturbation habits in the immediate future. I may conduct additional tests of longer or shorter durations at some later point, but I want to rub some out off the record for a while.

I don't masturbate very much. I'm often occupied with other things and simply can't bother. Sometimes when preparing to masturbate (usually in the shower), my mind will wander and I will lose my erotic interest. It would probably be in my interest to masturbate more frequently. Now that the test is over, I hope to find more time for impromptu masturbation, unencumbered by concerns of time and internet connectivity.

"Wank long, wank hard!" - Harry Truman