Thursday, December 31, 2009

this is a true story. the pronouns have been changed to protect the innocent

i love you

Monday, December 28, 2009

i am made of holiday

holiday comes in, holiday goes out. in special holiday color and with the easy creamy texture, the way only mom makes. here are the mashed potatoes, there is the mashed standing rib roast. this is the broccoli casserole and that is a bit of the old fashioned family face time. we have masturbating in my boyhood bathroom and dinner milk. if i had rings like a tree or strata like geologic rock, the people who cut me open could read my brunches and follow the holidays.

Friday, December 25, 2009

three monsterous things i would do for you

  • give an unearned gift
  • fart under the dinner table
  • use "who" as an object

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Case #31861

City of David Dept. of Child Services
December 25th, 0

Multiple complaints of suspicious activity at local establishment The Inn. Responding CoDPD officer confirmed crying from within adjunct barn. Entered barn on probable cause to discover infant male and 9 suspects:

Female, age 12-16, believed to be the mother, psychologically unstable. Describes audiovisual hallucinations and claims to have been asexually impregnated by a spirit. Recommend rape counseling as well as further diagnosis of psychotic episodes and treatment for possible chemical abuse. Currently in the care of CoD Woman's Health Clinic postnatal unit.

Male, age 25-35, claims to be the mother's husband but not the father. No identification or marriage licence on record. DNA tests scheduled. Currently being held on charges of child endangerment, child abuse, and sexual assault. He has filed for custody.

Three cloaked males, ages 45-60, claim to be "here to adore the child." Currently being held on charges of child exploitation, sex trafficking, expired visas, and first degree possession of frankincense and myrrh with intent to distribute.

Three younger males, ages 18-28, also claim to be inquiring after the child. Report to have been referred by a man in white robes wearing wings. The description has been relayed to all area precincts. The men are currently being held for questioning.

Male, age 5-7, with drum. Also said to have "gift" for the baby. Currently in the care of CoD Dept. of Child Services. Under examination for sexual abuse and drug use. Due for transfer to Longterm Intermediate Housing.

Infant male found lain in feed hay. Currently in NICU. Tetanus and rabies sequences for unsanitary exposure to animal livestock. Tests reveal blood alcohol content above 90%. Life expectancy: short.

Inn Keeper being held on charges of accessory child endangerment and unlicensed keeping of animal livestock.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

a reminder

better times have many names. "tomorrow," "the day," "when my hemorrhoids go away." i'm not fucking awful right now per se.

'tis the season and that's by no means an excuse for disguised drinking in public but it's a reason. like genes. substance abuse is so stinking commercialized.

now with double active ingredients for lasting relief: alcohol free! minty scent! acts fast! he will stink like perfect when we're happy for once at last. and that's money well spent!

all the good greek gods were blind and luck strikes only to remind: fucking awful's just a state of mind.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the new adventures of post-op nancy drew and the mystery of the missing pickle

big day tomorrow, team. i need everyone looking their best.

first i have a doctor's appointment, then i am dancing at a housing works fundraiser party (via evb). if you were planning on missing that, plan again, bub. i know where you live and i can go-go all over your face AND THE FACES OF EVERYONE YOU LOVE!

now is time to exfoliate my butthole. JUST KIDDING. i am grosser than you anpissitated.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009


"a warm compress of holiday cheer helps you take those sacraments like a champ!"

The Church of Better Living Through Self-Medication,


have you sinned?
are you sinning right now?

The Church luvs sinners
and we know just where it hurts


we get the RESULTS
'cause we're the only ones with the goods on Almighty God
and that slut does whatever we say



Saturday, December 05, 2009

be specific!

I want the boy the boy I want would want. I want to bodysnatch his general ass. He is general to my specific and that's what the boy I want wants. As in: generally long hair. As in: generally ripped shirt. Posture LIKE THIS. Punk rock LIKE THAT. Slide the fader, motion the band. He is our sound-boy tonight. I make the kind of money his ripped shirt (and ripped pants!) can only wildly dream about. I work out very specifically while his metamorphic metabolism alchemically churns value menu fries into tightly packed, Saran-smooth, little muscled flesh. Generally toned. Generally smooth. General eye contact and then motion the band again. He smokes. I don't. Guess who's generally getting lung cancer? I want him to want me and be seen to jealously abuse the boy I love. I bet he's straight.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

love, hate, legislate!

there's context for this. if you don't know what it's about, get a fucking clue.

how does one handle these kinds of things? smile or bile?

i spilt my bile already. i can also do without the hemorrhoids right now. i am going to smile because my life is full of beauty. i share my beautiful life with beautiful boys and maybe one day i'll fall in love with one of those beautiful boys and maybe he and i will have a big party with all of our friends and family to celebrate our love and our lives and everyone will dress up and eat cake and abuse champaign and then somebody with vested powers will read a nice speech and then ask us some questions and then we'll kiss and get a piece of paper and then we won't use condoms anymore. i plan to live the rest of my beautiful life in the future. the future, where health care costs grow slower than GDP. the future, where capital letters are reserved for sarcasm. the future, where everybody can marry the person they love. i am smiling.

if you decide to go bile, please remember to be clever!

i want us to run away and get hitched in a foreign jurisdiction, but fuck! we just CAN'T ELOPE!

OH READER, you old coot. how the hell are you? i'm always getting these "feelings" but this time i really feel it. like we're like this, you and me. you maybe can't see; i'm twisting two fingers together. yeah, i feel like we're close. private. biblical. i'm just kidding, SILLY!

or am i?

enough of riffraff; let's get down to business. the serious stuff.

over here is me, symbolized by this cantaloupe. now cantaloupes don't have noses, but i do. and i want to talk briefly about mine.

richard feynman wrote brilliantly about smell. summarily, people smell better than we pretend we do. "smell better" i mean have a stronger facility for olfaction, not what you thought i meant. i feel (there i go again!) like we only really exercise our sniffer when we're COOKING or having SEX. the rest of the time, smell is bad. an intrusion. a violation. "you smell" is an critique instead of a tautology.

smell has to be my favorite sense. if i were given to favoritism. it combines the unelectiveness of sound with the proximity of touch. and it's everything wonderful about taste.

smell isn't about understanding, the way the fancier senses are ("look, ..." "listen, ..." "do you feel me?"). smell is about relationship. it establishes identity and situation. transient and ambient, odor precedes and lingers. it is a product of our bodies; not our minds.

that's my third semicolon which means it's time to call it quits. i have more to say but it all means so much and i'm tired. also there is a very real risk of further semicolons and i'm seriously NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT SHIT right now.

smell somebody. now. do it because i told you. my blog is depressingly odorless, but this post ends with a whiff of a woman. or a man. take your pick and stick your shnoz at the nearest body. and remember it! because it's about memory too.