Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wednesday, The 21st

My transformation into a crank-addicted housewife is nearly complete. I am officially hooked on Bejeweled. BeFUCKINGjeweled! Who am I?

It was going for $0.99 in the Steam holiday sale. Ninety nine cents is my "just in case" price point. Meaning that I don't need or want it, but I'll get it anyway just in case I ever become a speed-head soccer mom who spends all day chasing invisible germs across the linoleum and playing Bejeweled on the family computer.

The game itself makes no sense. It's just these fucking jewels. What are they doing here? Where did they come from? Why do they need to be put into groups of three or more along either the vertical or horizontal axis? These are just some of the questions the gamemasters at PopCap refuse to answer.

And it inspires a totally unwarranted sense of accomplishment. I feel like some kind of gemological Cincinnatus, called upon by the world's leaders to make order out of this insane jumble of jewels. Which is impossible. There are always more. And there is no skill or strategy involved at all. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are a sick, sick person who will say anything to rationalize their addiction and they should seriously get back to cleaning the kitchen because I think I heard a germ squeak across the floor.

That was "Excellent"
But now you tell me "No Moves!"
I don't believe you.