Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Hard Numbers

May 1st, 2007

For the past year (since May 2nd, 2006), I have made a record of each time I have masturbated, noting location, stimulation, and description. Today, for the first time, I did a statistical analysis on the data. Here are my findings:


  • I have masturbated 131 times in 365 days. That is an average of once every 2.786 days.
  • The longest period I went without masturbating was the 221.5 hours (9.2 days) from 6pm on June 3rd to 11:30pm on June 12th.
  • The shortest interval between masturbations was the 3.5 hours from 11pm on May 22nd to 2:30am on May 23rd.
  • The most I have masturbated in a 24-hour period is thrice on Friday, October 13th.
Masturbation by Day of the Week

Masturbation by Month

Masturbation by Hour

  • I thought about heterosexual intercourse 65 times. That's 49.6% of the time.
  • I thought about homosexual intercourse 60 times. That's 45.8% of the time.
  • That leaves 6 occasions (4.58%) on which I didn't think about a specific kind of intercourse.
Other Stats:
  • I utilized porn 73 times. That is 55.7% of the time.
  • I utilized lubricant 55 times. That is 41.98% of the time.
    • I noted using lotion 21 times (38% of lubricated incidents).
    • I noted using soap 16 times (29% of lubricated incidents).
    • That leaves 18 lubricated occasions on which I did not note the kind of lubricant. I was not strict about recording lubrication data - most of the undocumented incidents are probably soap.
  • I employed anal stimulation 19 times. That's 14.5% of the time.
  • On 6 occasions I fantasized about people I know personally.
  1. Shower (47 times)
  2. Toilet (43 times)
  3. Computer (30 times)
  4. Bed (3 times)
  5. Bathroom (twice)
  6. Chair (twice)
  7. My dreams (twice)
  8. Porch (once)
  9. Public bathroom (once)
  1. Good (14 times)
  2. Fine (11 times)
  3. Terse (8 times)
  4. Alright (7 times)
  5. Ordinary (6 times)
  6. Meh (5 times)
  7. Usual (3 times)
Each of the following descriptions occurred twice
  • Awesome
  • Fast
  • Forgetable
  • Goood
  • Gooood
  • Great
  • Intense
  • Quick
  • Underwhelming
Each of the following descriptions occurred once
  • Almost non-existant
  • Anal extravaganza!
  • Analstravaganza
  • As expected
  • As to be expected
  • Athletic
  • Awful
  • Belabored and underwhelming
  • Better
  • Bland
  • Calming
  • Chair
  • Creative
  • Devoid of satisfaction
  • Disappointing
  • Dreadfully ordinary
  • Drooling
  • Elaborate
  • Elongated
  • Excellent
  • Extremely short
  • Fdskfdssdf
  • Goooood
  • Laborious
  • Lackluster
  • Long
  • Meaningless
  • Meaningless cum
  • Minimalistic
  • Minor
  • Minor in the extreme
  • My right arm went numb
  • Nice
  • Norm
  • Not as complete a void as I had feared
  • Not that great
  • Not what the poets promised
  • Nothing special
  • Numbing
  • Overrated
  • Pretty good
  • Prolonged
  • Quick and dirty
  • Really good
  • Ritualistic
  • Short-ish
  • Special
  • Strenuous
  • Surprisingly satisfying
  • Titillating
  • Typical
  • Unsensational
  • Very unsatisfying
  • Well
  • You know
Results were added as events to a Google calendar. Each entry formally recorded the orientation, location and a brief summary. Further information was provided in an optional verbose description. Analysis was performed with a C# program utilizing Google's .NET GData API client library [1]. Formal data (orientation, location and summary) was parsed directly and calculated. Informal data (porn usage et al) was parsed in situ from the verbose description. Graphs were created with OpenOffice.

As with quantum theory, observation has surely influenced the outcome. It is possible that I did not masturbate when I otherwise would have because of an inability to record the results. It is also very likely that I - consciously or otherwise - attempted to balance the frequency of hetero and homosexual incidents. While the knowledge of the test may have had some small effect upon the results, I feel the data accurately reflects my natural masturbation habits. While I obviously don't have data prior to the 2nd of May, 2006, the results keep with my sense of pre-test behavior.

I do not intend to continue recording my masturbation habits in the immediate future. I may conduct additional tests of longer or shorter durations at some later point, but I want to rub some out off the record for a while.

I don't masturbate very much. I'm often occupied with other things and simply can't bother. Sometimes when preparing to masturbate (usually in the shower), my mind will wander and I will lose my erotic interest. It would probably be in my interest to masturbate more frequently. Now that the test is over, I hope to find more time for impromptu masturbation, unencumbered by concerns of time and internet connectivity.

"Wank long, wank hard!" - Harry Truman