Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Homo Gymnos

Loudest Guy At The Gym
Given to moans, sailor talk, barnyard sounds, and calling things "baby." May spontaneously clap.
Deals: 5 awkwardness
Fears: Techno

The Old Bird
Brings Depression-era gumption to a physiotherapy routine apropos of her last plastic joint. With sole avail of the half-pound weights, The Old Bird (and Checkers Meyerhold, the seeing-eye collie) are inspirational supernumeraries in anyone's workout.
Deals: 2 slowplay
Fears: Osteoporosis
Crit to summon Checkers Meyerhold

Bucking gym dress code in Velcro-clad socks, this workout fashion maverick models selections from the Three Wolf Moon collection in timeless double-ex-el. Optionally sports a fanny pack + The Sony Walkman.
Deals: Unknown
Fears: Also unknown

Mr. Huge
The kind of huge that belongs on a rhinoceros, Mr. Huge is not anatomically able to perform the YMCA dance and has internal testes. Bystanders frequently steal lateral looks in hopes he will "pop any minute."
Deals: 290 lbs
Fears: Sudden drops in blood pressure

The Couple
The number-two cause of puking at the gym, after StairMaster but before bulimia.
Deals: 5 PDA
Fears: Wondering eyes

The Old Couple
In contrast to The Couple, The Old Couple is CUTER THAN FUCKING PUPPIES!
Deals: 3 PDAOPA (Public Displays of Adorable Old-People Affection)
Fears: Death

Powertool Kleptocunt
Dykebitch can, will, and should fuck u proper.
Deals: Larceny
Fears: Unicorn tears

Skinny Bitch
Wields Ponytail of Seriousness, because fun is too many calories.
Deals: Sudden drops in blood pressure
Fears: Bagel