Thursday, February 08, 2007

... Therefore iAm

New York state Senator Carl Kruger is proposing legislation to ban iPods and other consumer electronics from city sidewalks. Here's the story. Here's my letter to Senator Kruger:

As a New Yorker much in love with my iPod, I feel obliged to rebuke your proposed ban of personal electronics from city streets. The notion that an iPod could ever lead a person ill is wholly wrongheaded: My iPod is a glistening white angel of purity who would never harm a soul. To the contrary, it's lively melodies have often a time spared me such tragedies as may befall my more languid un-plugged self. Buzz-kill, for instance, frowning, another, and dispiritedness all are avoided by the proper use of an iPod. The funky-tunes and mad-beats send a hoppin' rhythm right were one needs it most: the hips! Should I, possessed in the wild throws of trance-dancing, find my way into oncoming traffic, all the better! Young though I am, fears of a painful or disreputable death plague me oft. Murder or fall-from-great-height or asphyxiation-by-corndog seem to me as distasteful as soiling my old-man diapers for the last time. But, to be seized by the lord at the climax of Bohemian Rhapsody... ushered gently into His hands by the hood of a Buick... Hallelujah! It's not how long you live, it's how many much Queen you listened to.

Although... I'd worry about the iPod. I don't think it comes to heaven with me (they have, like, super GodPods or something up there, right?) and chances are it wouldn't fair the Buick as well as my immortal soul. Its delicate electronics strewn all about the sidewalk would be a hideous sight indeed, and the loss of a consumer device is never a pleasant affair. No, that wouldn't do at all. I'm afraid I'll have to look both ways for Mimsy's sake (Mimsy is my iPod). Very well then. I promise you, Senator, that I will not jump in front of traffic while wearing my iPod. There, all settled. Now about this proposed legislation... "What legislation?" Exactly Senator.

-Scott & Mimsy