Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

A funny thing happened on the way to the blog. A long story made short, I was called upon by the world governments to save Planet Earth from the evil menace of a Martian Death Rocket. Just when I had hacked the alien computer system and snuck a nuclear device deep within the vessel of doom, a Zombie Robot Wizard Nazi King resurrected from a race of six-thousand-year-old Egyptian God-Aliens popped out, wielding a Photon Sword and a Time Scepter. Needless to say, I thought I was SOL, but then I remembered the magical enchanted amulet given to me by the Virgin Elven Princess Queen Bride as a thank-you for boning her out of her mind. I bartered the amulet for drugs and the Zombie Robot Wizard Nazi King and I smoked some bowls, fucked some hoes, and killed some Jews (we had a list) until the sun rose over the smoldering ashes of a decimated Planet Earth. Then we sang about giving his car a paint job, knitted a quilt for Boo Radley, and snuck into the mountains for gay sadomasochistic butt sex. Some days later, I was thumbing through my positive AIDS test results with my prosthetic arm when I remembered, OH MY GOODNESS, I'VE NEGLECTED MY BLOG! I waited until Valentine's Day to break it off with Lester (that's the Zombie King's name) and here am I: ready, willing, and reporting for duty!