prolapse

are you allowed to put anything in front of the words "industrial complex" and be automatically right? WAKE UP, AMERICA!

• Circus Industrial Complex
• Jumping-On-The-Bed Industrial Complex
• Hemorrhoid Industrial Complex

if you're obsessively following everything i do and say on Internet (Creepers Industrial Complex), you will have noticed a recent up-tick in my mention of hemorrhoids (up from "never"). i've got 'em. mild. not painful. one is prolapsed.

why am i telling you this? because i am a genius brilliant medical detective like House! Ego Industrial Complex. when you're me and you get hemorrhoids, the first question is, "what the fuck is going on!" the second question is, "why the fuck is that going on!"

i'm going to try to not be too crude in this post because there could be children who have somehow learned to read and open doors that are looking at this. let it suffice to say that hemorrhoids cramp my style.

so i was worry worry worry worry. the usual causes include: too much sitting, dehydration, lack of fiber, pregnancy, being really old, and "intimate reception." i am virile and young and if any of the above were to blame, it would mean that i am naturally given to such things. my dickensian character flaw: mr. thomas and his 'rhoids.

and then i knowed! i knowed what caused 'em! my stalker readers will again perhaps remember a tweet from last month: "My asshole has had ABOUT ENOUGH of this office toilet paper." friends, you don't even know. i had three straight weeks with papyrus-rash inside my ass. i am very thorough when it comes to hygiene and i just couldn't leave things be, despite the VICIOUS FRICTION COEFFICIENT. blood and all. it hurt to walk, i kid you not.

moment of realization came when i was tenderly cleaning myself last night and noticed that the prolapsed bugger is RIGHT WHERE the wiper meets the wipee. evidence #2: they showed up the week after i got back from boston. Logic Industrial Complex!

i am absolved of worry. some prep h for a week and all should be well in the land of my ass. now whom do i see in human resources about this?