Things I Fucking Love, Vol. 5

Tikibar TV

Who do you want answering the phone?

I spare no expense for hobos. Literally. Any request of the form, "spare some _____" will get a big ole "I'm too busy with my own thoughts even to pretend I didn't hear you" look out of me. If I ever did have the kind of money where I could just blow it on the homeless, I would instead use it to buy them copies of Atlas Shrugged. Anyway, the other day I was heading through the Fulton St. subway station when this guy at a pay phone asked me, with convincing earnestness, for a quarter. "Here," I think, "is a man in a pickle. A hard working Joe who is caught without any change and clearly needs to place a phone call. No surprise: with the prevalence of credit cards, it's not a wonder he hasn't got a quarter. And his cell phone could be out of juice, or in his other pants. This is a man," thought I, "who needs only to make one quick, urgent call. He certainly isn't looking for a leisure quarter or booze money, and he certainly isn't without a home. He could very well be calling his home. I have a quarter. I will give this tragic hero my quarter. Here you go, noble sir, MAKE THAT CALL!"

Several days later, I saw the same man at the same phone asking for quarters in the same "this never happens to me, I can't believe this is happening to me" tone of voice. He was a very clever hobo. I did not give him a quarter and he called me a faggot. I suppose we all adapt.

Gone Bananas!

I don't eat bananas. They are just one of those fruits I never ingest under any circumstance ever. From the time I was born until about a week and a half ago, I had eaten exactly no bananas. Which brings us to a week and a half ago. We were teching our shows and I was all of a hungered. Then Pat, one of our freshman lackies, proffered me a bit of a bite of his banana. I informed everyone within earshot that I never eat bananas at all because of 1) their stupid taste, 2) their gross texture, and 3) I don't like the banana-flavored runts (for the same reasons I don't like bananas). I forget what happened next, but it involved me eating the banana. I know!

Flash three days later: I come in for strike and inform every Caroline Counts within earshot that I am all of a hungered. WHAMEE! She whips out a banana. BIFF! I peel. *GRODY BANANA NOISES* It is gone.

I am now averaging a banana a day. My new director, Ian, is even getting them for me. I guess I've...

Gone Bananas!

A farse in three acts
by S.T. Peterson

Things I Fucking Love, Vol. 4

90 minuets of Christopher Hitchens eviscerating a rabbi.

Metapost

I made the observation about Ian and me (including my history of subconscious impersonation) no less than three times today, to different people. When you tell the same story three times in a day, you know it's time for a blog post!

Post

A long-known fact about myself: when I'm around certain people, I begin to behave like them. For instance, when I am home, I act more like my dad - mannerisms, patterns of speech, &c (I am especially like my dad when I interact with my sister). Also when I'm around Sam, I act more Sam-ish than usual. The director of the play I am now in is crazy. I mean, craaaazy. KARAYZEE!!! I'm running out of text formatting options and I'm concerned that you're still not catching my drift. The man is... well, ok. Crazy. You get it. Ok, so, today I find that I am begining to behave like Ian (that's his name. Ian.) when I'm in rehearsal. Which is craaazy. But also awesome.

Fruit Distribution

This is an eyeball estimation of the fruit distribution in the dining hall's fruit bowl:

This is inversely proportional to my appetite for each of the above fruits.

Closing

Our show closed yesterday. I was really not expecting it to be as good as it was. It was very well received and people whose opinions I greatly respect had very kind words. I was also awarded the nicest compliment I've ever received after the first show. An old woman I'd never met said that Stella [Adler] would adore me. She had been a student and friend of Stella's. What a thing to hear! So all in all, a good show. Now, onward!